The Good Stuff

So, here’s the thing. Before I publish my posts, I read them through with the lens of pre-Henry, and I pretty much have become that person I think I would have despised. Seriously. So, to everyone out there that is trying to bring a baby into their lives, I am so sorry. I know it is so hard. I sincerely hope you will be able to complete your family, and just know that I am praying for you. I think this post might be the hardest one of all for you to read, so just stop now. Because today I am actually going to talk about the good stuff, the stuff that makes it all worth it.

This has also been the hardest post to write, the one where I’ve started several times, but just don’t know how to finish, because how do you put these things into words? So, here is my best attempt at describing the good stuff. 

Let’s start out with a nice sprightly tune, you might’ve heard it before, but it does a pretty dang good job at putting some of my feelings into words. It’s goes like this (thanks Carpenters):

Such a feeling's coming over me

There is wonder in most every thing I see

Not a cloud in the sky, got the sun in my eyes

And I won't be surprised if it's a dream

Everything I want the world to be

Is now coming true especially for me

And the reason is clear, it's because you are here

You're the nearest thing to heaven that I've seen

I'm on top of the world looking down on creation

And the only explanation I can find

Is the love that I've found ever since you've been around

Your love's put me at the top of the world

Because you guys, having Henry here has put me on top of the world. It’s like there’s this new  brightness in my life that I didn’t even realize was missing.  For every hard thing, every rough day, every minute of sleep that is lost, there are one hundred things that make it all worth it. Like, when I turn to Henry and start to sing, and his face lights up, and he smiles, giggles if I am lucky, and looks at me like I’m the coolest thing he’s ever seen. Or when Brandon is giving Henry a bath, and I hide around the corner to listen to Henry giggle because Brandon has made up a new song, and I peek to see that Brandon is dancing, and clapping, and doing whatever to make that little guy happy. I just want to sit down and burn those things in my brain forever, because they are the epitome of happiness. It makes me love that man so much more to see him take his role of dad so seriously. 

Because I have never felt so many things like I feel now. I have never felt this much joy, happiness, and love. It’s like I’ve gotten a snapshot of how our Father in Heaven feels for us, and it’s so overwhelming, and pure, and I can’t believe I get to feel that too.

And it comes down to this-having Henry in our family has made me whole. Before he came, there was a void in my life that I tried to fill with all sorts of things. We bought a new car, we took lots of trips, we tried to buy a house, I bought lots and lots of clothes, but none of that brought me true joy. This kind of joy. Having Henry in our family, in our lives, has closed that void and has filled me with so much life and purpose, that I knew I wanted, but didn’t know I needed. He has helped me to see needs other than mine own. I am no longer playing the “me” game that I was so caught up in, and it is so refreshing. And I don’t feel like I am giving anything up, I don’t feel like I am missing out on what the world has to offer, because I feel like I now have  the world in front of me, and I'm seeing it like I never have before- there’s never been more possibilities and potential.

And I am sorry this has all just been a mess of words that I’ve tried to organize in a way to help articulate exactly what I’ve been feeling, and how my life has changed. Because although no one talks about the bad stuff all too often (as I have so politely pointed out in my last few posts), people don’t really talk about the good stuff either, and I think it’s because there are no words that can fit these feelings. So, I guess I will end with this visual that should round everything out nicely.

It’s 9:45 PM. Brandon got little H man asleep and he’s peacefully a snoozin’ in the pack in play that is conveniently located two feet from our bed. We quietly creep into our bedroom, tiptoeing to our sides of the bed (because if he woke up now one of us will either cry or swear). We pull back the covers at the same time to eliminate any extra rustling and carefully, oh so carefully, slide into bed. We pull the covers over our heads and huddle together to say our final goodnights and I love you’s. I turn to Brandon, smiling so much my cheeks hurt, and I tell him that I have never been happier in my entire life. 

And that’s the truth folks. I am so tired. And so worn down, but oh so happy. I am forever grateful for the blessing that I get to raise this perfect little human with the love of my life. And that, that is the good stuff.

I am calling all of you out.

I have a bone to pick with every person out there that has had a baby and knows me. Yes, every single one of you. WHY DID YOU NOT TELL ME IT WAS GOING TO BE THIS HARD? WHY? WHY DIDN’T YOU WARN ME? It was an out of the frying pan and into the fire like feeling. Everyone told me how rewarding it was going to be, and how the love I would feel would overtake me and turn me all mushy and soft, but the other stuff was kept all hush hush.  

Like, how I would be paranoid and worried. All. Of. The. Time. That I would be taking pictures of baby poop so I could analyze it later and compare it to other baby poop. Diarrhea or not? And if it is diarrhea, what do I do? Do I call the pediatrician? Do I just storm into the doctor’s office demanding answers and antibiotics? Was it something I ate? Do I eliminate dairy? Or worse, chocolate?   

Or nursing. Don’t get me started. It’s beautiful, it’s natural, it’s the best thing for your baby, yada, yada, yada. The truth-it is hard. At least for me. I cannot even start to tell you the number of Internet searches I’ve conducted that revolve around nursing.

Then there’s the sleep. Oh precious precious sleep. Henry was a good sleeper. He was the sleeper that dreams are made of. We boasted of the seven plus straight hours we were getting at night when he was just a wee babe. Yes, all past tense. And let me let you in on a little secret, SLEEP IS IMPORTANT.

Those things are just the tip of the iceberg.

And the thing is, it’s not like I didn’t prepare. I prepared the heck out of this. I read books, blogs, and the five different baby apps on my phone. I researched every last item that was on my registry, making sure I had only the best. I made dozens of freezer meals and had the pantry stocked with high in protein foods to give me the instant energy I would need during the day (because that’s what all the blogs said, duh). I had hand sanitizers placed strategically around the house, because by golly this baby was not going to get sick ever. But, my socks were still knocked off.

And I am not whining, I promise. (Why does it always sound like I’m whining?) Remember when I talked about the struggle it was to bring little Henry to our family? And how in the end I knew that it was the right time, because waiting for him taught me all sorts of lessons that I am oh so glad I learned? Let me tell you the real reason why he joined our family later. Three years ago I probably could not have hacked this motherhood business. I had to be primed, polished, and want it so so bad, because otherwise I think I legitimately would not have been able to handle it. So to get through those hard days, I think back to when all I wanted was a baby, and how I prayed for a baby, and pinned all sorts of baby stuff to my secret Pinterest baby board, and planned out how we would announce our pregnancy, and decorate a nursery. Those feelings are still raw and real, which I am so grateful for, because it helps me appreciate everything, even the really hard things.

And so what’s the lesson here? Don’t lie to mothers to be? Possibly. Or, babies are hard but oh so worth it? Maybe. I am not even sure. But, I can say this, I don’t think I have ever been more terrified, exhausted, or happier in my entire life, which I guess really sums up what this motherhood business is all about. Until next time (and I’m not going to say when this “next time” will be, because that backfired last time ;)). Oh, and since Henry’s four month pictures are just so adorable, here you go. But let me be clear, these do not accurately represent what life is like in our home. My life is not all white sheets and perfect smiles; see the video for proof of that.