The Good Stuff

So, here’s the thing. Before I publish my posts, I read them through with the lens of pre-Henry, and I pretty much have become that person I think I would have despised. Seriously. So, to everyone out there that is trying to bring a baby into their lives, I am so sorry. I know it is so hard. I sincerely hope you will be able to complete your family, and just know that I am praying for you. I think this post might be the hardest one of all for you to read, so just stop now. Because today I am actually going to talk about the good stuff, the stuff that makes it all worth it.

This has also been the hardest post to write, the one where I’ve started several times, but just don’t know how to finish, because how do you put these things into words? So, here is my best attempt at describing the good stuff. 

Let’s start out with a nice sprightly tune, you might’ve heard it before, but it does a pretty dang good job at putting some of my feelings into words. It’s goes like this (thanks Carpenters):

Such a feeling's coming over me

There is wonder in most every thing I see

Not a cloud in the sky, got the sun in my eyes

And I won't be surprised if it's a dream

Everything I want the world to be

Is now coming true especially for me

And the reason is clear, it's because you are here

You're the nearest thing to heaven that I've seen

I'm on top of the world looking down on creation

And the only explanation I can find

Is the love that I've found ever since you've been around

Your love's put me at the top of the world

Because you guys, having Henry here has put me on top of the world. It’s like there’s this new  brightness in my life that I didn’t even realize was missing.  For every hard thing, every rough day, every minute of sleep that is lost, there are one hundred things that make it all worth it. Like, when I turn to Henry and start to sing, and his face lights up, and he smiles, giggles if I am lucky, and looks at me like I’m the coolest thing he’s ever seen. Or when Brandon is giving Henry a bath, and I hide around the corner to listen to Henry giggle because Brandon has made up a new song, and I peek to see that Brandon is dancing, and clapping, and doing whatever to make that little guy happy. I just want to sit down and burn those things in my brain forever, because they are the epitome of happiness. It makes me love that man so much more to see him take his role of dad so seriously. 

Because I have never felt so many things like I feel now. I have never felt this much joy, happiness, and love. It’s like I’ve gotten a snapshot of how our Father in Heaven feels for us, and it’s so overwhelming, and pure, and I can’t believe I get to feel that too.

And it comes down to this-having Henry in our family has made me whole. Before he came, there was a void in my life that I tried to fill with all sorts of things. We bought a new car, we took lots of trips, we tried to buy a house, I bought lots and lots of clothes, but none of that brought me true joy. This kind of joy. Having Henry in our family, in our lives, has closed that void and has filled me with so much life and purpose, that I knew I wanted, but didn’t know I needed. He has helped me to see needs other than mine own. I am no longer playing the “me” game that I was so caught up in, and it is so refreshing. And I don’t feel like I am giving anything up, I don’t feel like I am missing out on what the world has to offer, because I feel like I now have  the world in front of me, and I'm seeing it like I never have before- there’s never been more possibilities and potential.

And I am sorry this has all just been a mess of words that I’ve tried to organize in a way to help articulate exactly what I’ve been feeling, and how my life has changed. Because although no one talks about the bad stuff all too often (as I have so politely pointed out in my last few posts), people don’t really talk about the good stuff either, and I think it’s because there are no words that can fit these feelings. So, I guess I will end with this visual that should round everything out nicely.

It’s 9:45 PM. Brandon got little H man asleep and he’s peacefully a snoozin’ in the pack in play that is conveniently located two feet from our bed. We quietly creep into our bedroom, tiptoeing to our sides of the bed (because if he woke up now one of us will either cry or swear). We pull back the covers at the same time to eliminate any extra rustling and carefully, oh so carefully, slide into bed. We pull the covers over our heads and huddle together to say our final goodnights and I love you’s. I turn to Brandon, smiling so much my cheeks hurt, and I tell him that I have never been happier in my entire life. 

And that’s the truth folks. I am so tired. And so worn down, but oh so happy. I am forever grateful for the blessing that I get to raise this perfect little human with the love of my life. And that, that is the good stuff.

I am calling all of you out.

I have a bone to pick with every person out there that has had a baby and knows me. Yes, every single one of you. WHY DID YOU NOT TELL ME IT WAS GOING TO BE THIS HARD? WHY? WHY DIDN’T YOU WARN ME? It was an out of the frying pan and into the fire like feeling. Everyone told me how rewarding it was going to be, and how the love I would feel would overtake me and turn me all mushy and soft, but the other stuff was kept all hush hush.  

Like, how I would be paranoid and worried. All. Of. The. Time. That I would be taking pictures of baby poop so I could analyze it later and compare it to other baby poop. Diarrhea or not? And if it is diarrhea, what do I do? Do I call the pediatrician? Do I just storm into the doctor’s office demanding answers and antibiotics? Was it something I ate? Do I eliminate dairy? Or worse, chocolate?   

Or nursing. Don’t get me started. It’s beautiful, it’s natural, it’s the best thing for your baby, yada, yada, yada. The truth-it is hard. At least for me. I cannot even start to tell you the number of Internet searches I’ve conducted that revolve around nursing.

Then there’s the sleep. Oh precious precious sleep. Henry was a good sleeper. He was the sleeper that dreams are made of. We boasted of the seven plus straight hours we were getting at night when he was just a wee babe. Yes, all past tense. And let me let you in on a little secret, SLEEP IS IMPORTANT.

Those things are just the tip of the iceberg.

And the thing is, it’s not like I didn’t prepare. I prepared the heck out of this. I read books, blogs, and the five different baby apps on my phone. I researched every last item that was on my registry, making sure I had only the best. I made dozens of freezer meals and had the pantry stocked with high in protein foods to give me the instant energy I would need during the day (because that’s what all the blogs said, duh). I had hand sanitizers placed strategically around the house, because by golly this baby was not going to get sick ever. But, my socks were still knocked off.

And I am not whining, I promise. (Why does it always sound like I’m whining?) Remember when I talked about the struggle it was to bring little Henry to our family? And how in the end I knew that it was the right time, because waiting for him taught me all sorts of lessons that I am oh so glad I learned? Let me tell you the real reason why he joined our family later. Three years ago I probably could not have hacked this motherhood business. I had to be primed, polished, and want it so so bad, because otherwise I think I legitimately would not have been able to handle it. So to get through those hard days, I think back to when all I wanted was a baby, and how I prayed for a baby, and pinned all sorts of baby stuff to my secret Pinterest baby board, and planned out how we would announce our pregnancy, and decorate a nursery. Those feelings are still raw and real, which I am so grateful for, because it helps me appreciate everything, even the really hard things.

And so what’s the lesson here? Don’t lie to mothers to be? Possibly. Or, babies are hard but oh so worth it? Maybe. I am not even sure. But, I can say this, I don’t think I have ever been more terrified, exhausted, or happier in my entire life, which I guess really sums up what this motherhood business is all about. Until next time (and I’m not going to say when this “next time” will be, because that backfired last time ;)). Oh, and since Henry’s four month pictures are just so adorable, here you go. But let me be clear, these do not accurately represent what life is like in our home. My life is not all white sheets and perfect smiles; see the video for proof of that.

A Celebration of Love and Good Friends

A long time ago, in a city that is warm and bright, I met a girl named Mallory. Then, right then, a friendship was born. Mallory and I bonded over a 6-mile run, in the toasty month of August, to Sunrise Mountain and back. That day we talked about pretty much everything, really anything that could keep our feet moving and help us back to water and air-conditioning.

We must have been the strangest runners of all time. From the costumes we would wear (like wings and swords and who knows what else), to our arguments over if the poop we saw on the trail came from a horse or a dog. From the most sincere glee at getting five whole dollars on our long cross country trips and then spending that entire five dollars on candy (and really scaring everyone else on the bus with the added sugar in our veins).

I can pinpoint some of my very best high school memories to Mallory. She was a gem of a friend. One of those friends that you can just count on, you know?

So when Mallory announced her engagement, it was a no-brainer that we were going to celebrate her marriage with her. And a celebration it was! She looked absolutely beautiful. I think most of it was due to the utter joy she was emulating. She was just so happy.

What topped it off was that I got to spend it with Jacquelynn, another great friend from high school. We took my camera and left our significant others and became those obnoxious people who act like they're photographers at wedding but really aren't. And what kills me, really kills me, is that I didn't even get a pictures with Mallory, actually not even one of her. Sometimes I just fail at things. But here are the fruits of our labors. It was so beautiful and so like Mallory that we pretty much oohhed and awwed over everything.

And the way the light filtered through the trees and made everything glow just topped it off. It was so nice to celebrate Mallory's big day with her. We are so thrilled that she found the man of her dreams that she will spend forever with. It makes me ever so grateful that I found my forever too. Here's to true love and being together forever.

This month of May.

I have this silly whiteboard calendar that I use to gauge all of the most important things in life with. One of those most important things is what we are going to have for dinner. Another important thing is any big life-changing event. I get super giddy when I can erase the former months activities and start on a new month. It makes that said months big events seem much more tangible and closer, like they are pretty much going to happen any day. May felt like this. Right when I could write May at the top of the board I just knew that this month would zoom on by. And it has. In a good way, I think. For example, one event on my infamous whiteboard calendar was our move to Denver, Colorado. And although it did seem like a ways a way when I scribbled it in, it came all of the sudden.

Denver seems like a dandy place. It's supposedly known for its outdoorsy-ness (even though all I can really see are freeways). It boasts of being awfully close to the Rockies, which is an impressive sight. If you happen to have any knowledge of the Denver area we'd love to hear it. Especially if it includes, but is not limited to the following: local eating joints, good bike trails, even better hiking trails, and really breathtaking weekend/day trips. Brandon and I are determined to enjoy this summer in its fullest.

My whiteboard calendar also includes the 3rd year anniversary of our marriage. And folks, today is that day. This very day, three years ago Brandon and I sealed the deal. And I am ever so grateful for that each and every day. Brandon is truly my better half. I am so in love with him and each day that love grows even more. Although I am not quite sure how that happens, it does, and it is truly wonderful.

And although I feel like this is a monumental day (because it is), that everyone should stop and pay some recognition to it, that there should probably be some fireworks to celebrate its greatness, and at the very least Brandon should have the day off so we can frolic around this new city, it is not. Instead I am home thinking about the love of my life and how it's pretty much a crime that he has to work and we can't spend every single moment of it together. Sigh. I guess it's moments like these that help that love grow even more each day.

So here's to three perfect years of grand marriage. And getting to be with my forever, forever.

Wishing you the very best for the rest of your May.

Brag sesh.

I have like the most amazing husband ever.

I mean, just look at that face.

He lets me take more pictures of him than is probably acceptable. But, he still smiles. 

Last night we jammed to Carly Rae Jeppson, call me maybe, on repeat. And he let me be 12 again as I danced around our apartment using my fist as a microphone.

And then we played sequence and he let me win. Twice.

And now I am waiting for him to come home and cuddle me.

See what I mean? 

Pure awesomeness.

Have a most wonderful Friday.

Poetry, or something like it.

Every now and then, when I can't sleep, I peruse the old "creative" things that I used to write. Really, they aren't that creative. But I can't classify them as school files, and since my computer is very organized, the creative section is where they will remain. These are especially hilarious because I wrote most of this stuff years ago. Like still in high school years ago. It's fun to see how I've changed. I laugh about the things that used to be important back then, like dating and high school football games.

This particular gem was crafted during my engagement. This time was absolute torture. See, when my semester ended in April, I had to go home to Arizona. Brandon had to stay in Idaho. We weren't getting married until the end of May. Yes, that equals six weeks of pure suffering. Yes, suffering. And, it wouldn't have been so bad if I had a job or something but instead my days went kind of like this: wake up, read book, homework, run, lay out, sleep, read again, talk to Brandon, go to bed. So, obviously I was bored. (I am just trying to make a good excuse of writing really lame poetry..if you can even call it that..) Ha, but anyways, I hope you get a nice little chuckle out of this. Here it goes:

I am in love.
Did you know that?
I am actually getting married.
I have found the person that I want to spend the rest of forever with.
I get excited thinking about it.
He makes me happy.
I smile when I think about him.
I look at pictures of him when he's gone.
He's cute.
I love his smile.
I love his laugh.
I love the way he looks at me.
It shows me that he loves me back.
I want to be with him forever.
Because when I get a glimpse of life with him
I can't contain my happiness.
I love my Brandon.


Precious, yah? Even though I wrote this May 19th, 2010 at 1:05 am, I still feel the same October 3rd, at12:35 am. The crazy things I do late at night.