I am just sitting here taking a break from dusting and putting up fall decorations in my new home, while trying to wait patiently for this baby, and I just can’t even believe my life right now. I need to sit down and just take it all in, because sometimes it feels like I am living a dream, and I just feel so so so blessed. The fact that we’ve lived in this beautiful home, that is ours, long enough to change out decorations and dust just kind of blows my mind. And what’s even more, that there’s a cute little boy kicking away in my tummy as I work my way from room to room. Seriously, I can’t even.
And this might get kind of personal, and I’ve been grappling if I should put it out for the world to read, but then I think maybe it will be nice for at least one person to read. And I also think, I need to put these things into words, because these thoughts have been bouncing around my brain for the past nine months, so here it goes.
My life has always been a dream. I would be so ungrateful if I even complained a little tiny bit, so I try really hard not to. But. But, it’s only fair that we have some rough patches and some trials, and some things that help us learn and grow and become better, and yada yada yada. (I sometimes get so sick of people telling me that I have to go through this and it's for my good. Don't you?) Those things are really the pits in the moment. Like really. And it’s always a million times easier to look at hard times once they’ve passed, and that’s what I am doing today.
So, enter this plant.
There was a time when negative pregnancy test, after negative pregnancy test, I just so desperately wanted something that was alive and I could see grow. Everything felt gray. It was winter. It was another failed fertility treatment. And it was looking so very bleak. So off to an indoor nursery we went to buy a plant. This collection of plants was the winner. It became the third member of our family and it lived in our bedroom. I watched it grow and change and kick other plants out of the pot. Really it was a Darwin’s theory of natural selection going on. It got moved to a better location. It continued to grow, and it helped me see that yes things will grow and progress and it’s okay. And there were more failed fertility treatments. And more negative pregnancy tests. And then there were doctor changes and acupuncture and all sorts of really fun things that I am just not going to go into detail about. You’re welcome.
And then there was a miracle. A blessing that I have no doubt came directly from a loving Father in Heaven. And if your inferring skills are lacking, that blessing was this baby. This same baby that’s squirming around in my tummy as I type this.
Not too long after we found out we’d be welcoming this guy into our lives, the Christmas cactus part of my pot produced some uncharacteristic like blooms, and it was then that everything just felt right. It was another little miracle, a sign that life is good and things will grow and progress and there truly is beauty all around.
It was then that this trial that seemed to have seeped into all parts of my life and had attached itself to every part of my being for the past few years felt like a blink. Like, oh, that was it. Cool. Like all the nights I spent silently crying myself to sleep never happened. And all of those doctors appointments were just fun ways to use up my sick days. So, I guess what I am trying to say is it felt okay. It felt like this was the best way to bring this baby into our lives, this was the only way, the right way, and I was now okay, even happy, with how it came to be. Because there was always someone looking out for me and knew what was best for our family. Not that it wasn’t hard, and I wouldn’t trade some of my experiences, but if I had to learn the lessons that I did at some point in my life anyways, I am just so glad that it was through this experience that I learned them. Because now I feel more equipped to be a mother, to empathize more, to have patience, and so many more things.
And I so feel for the women out there so desperately wanting to bring a baby into their lives. I wish I could offer some words of encouragement, something that can help you through this, but when I was there, those things just made me want to punch people in the face. But, I do feel for you, and I do pray for you, and I so hope you can feel like your family is complete one day.
And, here is my plant today.
There was NO way it was getting left in Denver, because it’s a reminder of where I’ve been, and where I can go, and that things will continue to grow and progress, and even pass away, and it’s okay. Because there is always always someone, an all-knowing Father in Heaven, who understands the scheme of things, things that we can’t comprehend, and He is looking out for me, for you, for us. And all I can do is put my trust in Him and know that everything will be better than I can even imagine for myself. And yes it is hard, but I don’t think I would always want it to be easy either. Because, boring ;). So, I so hope that when you find yourself in one of those bleak, gray moments you can remember that one day it will be okay-great even.
Disclaimer: I don’t want sympathy, I don’t. I don’t want people to be mad at me either. I just want people to read this and smile-so by golly you better smile at some point while reading this. Okay? Okay :)